Archive for February, 2011

People, stick to your own kind, please.

So on my bus to school, one of my friends sat next to me and promptly surprised me by explaining that somehow or another, she was “black”. I was extremely surprised, as she was 100% chinese, exactly the same as me. She then went on an epic monologue on how apparently, she was 1/8 black or something. Following this, she tried to impress me with the wide range of “black” vocabulary that she had learnt from urbandictionary, amongst .

However, in an effort to blow me away with her knowledge of stereotypical ebonics, she claimed that “broski” was one of these such terms.

WTFOMGBBQ. BROSKI IS WHAT WHITE KIDS SAY TO BE COOL LIKE BLACK KIDS. You’re an asian pretending to be white pretending to be black.*

All this while, i’m going: “Stop. Just, stop.”

I mean, seriously, stick to who you are, don’t try to be someone else, and definitely not like another race, because you’ll just look like a total FOOL.

People nowadays…

Sorry, i just had to get that out there.

*I don’t know for sure, correct me if i’m wrong. I’m just an asian living in hong kong after all.

Nadia

Very good reasons to own a panda.

Hello, this is Nadia, coming back from a long slumber from the world of the Neonmaniacs, today, I am going to tell you why you, dear reader, need a panda.

REASON 1: It is well known throughout the scientific community that pandas have the capacity for a heart-wrenching, overwhelming cute, and hypnotizing gaze.

Medical journals have documented the side effects of this mind-melting experience. Effects range from the complete transformation of the brain from a formless walnut into a picturesque landscape of unicorns, sleeping hedgehogs, and garden gnomes, to a complete shut down of the nervous system as you gasp for air and lie on the ground in a groveling mess, willing to give your first-born as a blood sacrifice to the great being that lies before you.

This is very good when confronting muggers.

Say someone was approaching you with a very large knife, with less than pure intentions for you. You would be powerless without a can of pepper spray, or a knife, or a pillow (I’m assuming all of you have experience with turning pillows into violent weapons of destruction).

But all improbable situations aside, another thing you could do is whip out your panda, activate it’s super-eye-hypotizing powers, and immediately render him/her drooling, groveling at your feet as the brain is slowly warped into the very image of a certain mythical animal. Where you whip out this magnificent beast, we leave it up to the imagination of the reader.

REASON 2:  Low Maintenance

A panda’s diet consists of 99% bamboo + water. It’s easier to care for than your hamster, plus, DOES YOUR HAMSTER HAVE SUPER-PANDA-CUTE LASERS COMING OUT OF IT’S EYES?

Didn’t think so.

There is one note that i would like to mention however, a panda takes dumps the corresponding to the number of, and the size of, your kids. That is, if you have 40+  kids and all of them are over 5″4.

REASON 3: Pandas are an instant party

There is only one real reason for this. Bitches* love pandas. Simple as that, anyone reading this has obviously experienced it before, say you’re walking down a hallway with something irresistibly cute in your arms, say, a baby panda. Dialogue (or what is left of one) goes something like this.

Stranger: OMGWTFBBQ THATS THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER LAID MY EYES, LET ME TAKE IT AWAY AND PROCEED TO ABUSE AND EMOTIONALLY SCAR THE THING BY PAINFUL POKES WITH COMPLETELY PURE INTENTIONS.

You: Cool story bro.

But the thing is, it’s still an instant party, if you’re willing to leave the panda, quite literally, to the dogs.

 

But that’s all the reasons i could come up with for owning a panda, i would love to hear some of your reasons why you would like to own a panda, just comment below!

Stay gold,

Nadia

 

*For all of you offended people thinking i’m discriminating, http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/bitches-love-x

Harry Potter vs Twilight: Pick-Up Lines

Yes, I know. The debate has been going on long enough. The war between potterheads and twilighters has been brutal. (Seriously though, potterheads win. All the fucking time.)

But there’s one minor thing that’s been overlooked: the related pick-up lines. Come on, there’s a goldmine of sexual innuendoes in these books. Plus, I think this will ultimately prove which series is the better one.

Let’s get this party started.

Harry Potter

-Hagrid’s not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean.

-I’m like a basilisk, the way I just slytherin.

-If you were a dementor, I’d become criminal just to get your kiss.

-I’ve got a sword like Godric Gryffindor.

-One night with me and they’ll be calling you moaning myrtle.

-Is that a wand in my pocket or are you just happy to see me?

…There’s more of this goodness here. But let’s give Twilight a chance now, shall we?

Twilight

-Have you been drinking or do I intoxicate you?

-Am I dead? Because I think I just met an angel.

-So… how do you feel about dogs?

-Do you need a mechanic for that finely tuned body?

-You look imprintable… uh, I mean impeccable in that outfit.

-I’m an addict. Will you be my heroin?

Honestly, these are barely even linked to Twilight. With maybe the exception of the last two. The Harry Potter ones at least serve up a laugh if you’re not seriously looking to get laid. But these? I don’t even…

So if it was up to me, Harry Potter would win. Thoughts?

Also, I have a little Harry Potter bonus. There was no Twilight equivalent, so I couldn’t do the battle based on these. But they’re magic.

Harry Potter: Yo Mama Jokes (Forreal.)

-Yo mama’s so fat the sorting hat put her in all four houses.

-Yo mama’s so fat her patronus is a cake.

-Yo mama’s so ugly, she’s the reason Dumbledore turned gay.

-Yo mama’s so fat, the core of her wand is cream filling.

-Yo mama’s so ugly, she thought Hogwarts was the growth on her thigh.

I know you want more.

Why men should be using more descriptive words.

Hello men, this post is targeted at all of you who OVERUSE the words “chill”, “bro/brah”, “awesome”, any permutation of the word “dirty”, etcetc. And you know who you are. There are very few words that actually consist of your entire vocabulary. You know you belong to this crowd when you see something that you think interests you, and you immediately describe it as “chilled”. Pardon me for asking, but since when were things that were below body temperature suddenly become the next hottest thing?

YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? Yes, i know i’m hilarious with my clever juxtapositions.

Anyways, guys should be using more descriptive words, there is no other thing more annoying than some guy who CONSTANTLY describes something as chill/chilled/sick/tight/awesome. It’s just so boring! Don’t abuse or constantly repeat it, it’s horrible, and every time you use the word “ballin” more than once in a day, another eskimo in the far north goes on a spontaneous seal-clubbing excursion.

Also, i have this thing with the word awesome. I used to use the word awesome all the time, until i realized just how bloody obnoxious it became. It’s like a horrible disease that spreads everywhere and takes massive shits on everything you held to be pure and sacred. All of a sudden, everything you like/take interest in/have the slightest premonition to, becomes one word, awesome. It becomes very annoying.

 

Me: Hey, so i heard you watched [insert generic testosterone loaded action movie here], how was it?

Friend: OMFGWTFBBQ it was awesome.

Me: Ok, but in what way specifically was it awesome?

Friend: I don’t know, it was just AWESOME… And there’s this scene where it was AWESOME… Then the end, it was AWESOME how he just… Just watch it, it’s AWESOME. AWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOME.

Me: Cool story bro. [leaves in a hurry]

 

CAN’T YOU SEE? It infects everything, it’s like diarrhea, you don’t know which friend gave it to you, and it gets on everything white, pure, and porcelain. If you get what i mean.

The solution? Use more polished words, please. There are a plethora of other different, exciting, unique words to describe every single situation out there. I’m not going to name all of them, but one word you, dear reader should use is the word schnazzy.

That’s right, i’m bringing it back, when saying this word of Biblical-esque proportions, think groovy, funky, slick, flashy. Anything of the sort is can be deemed “schnazzy”, and why shouldn’t you be using this word? It’s the word that sends you back to the 80’s, it sends you back to disco, over-the-top glitter pants, and Earth, Wind and Fire. Epic stuff.

Anyways, i hope that this post has turned you from your “awesome” ways, and towards a future filled with a more comprehensive vocabulary.

Stay gold,

Nadia

My Ice Cream Story

I was extremely bored, so i drew out a comic featuring bananas and a situation i commonly find myself in.

JAPANESE TOILETS

I cannot begin to describe the amazingness and subsequent confusion a japanese toilet emits. It’s like nothing you have EVER experienced before, it’s simply incredible.

It looks rather normal, if you’re willing to overlook the fact that there is no flushing lever, or that there is this amazing little control panel with literally a million buttons, all to maximize your personal safety and tranquility while doing the deed.

The experience starts before you actually get to the toilet, the japanese have built in this insane motion sensor thing in the toilet, so when it senses you are near, and with mechanical wizardry and magic, it roars to life, and automatically lifts up the toilet seat, and a trillion little led lights just light up INSIDE the toilet bowl itself. In a dark room, it shines like a beacon of comfort. It’s like it WANTS you to do your business inside it, it’s just so… INVITING.

It doesn’t stop there, when you sit down, the seat is WARMED, perfect after a long day of snowboarding/skiing/being baptized with freezing, torrential snowfall.

However, the best bit, is decoding exactly which of the minuscule buttons flushes the damn thing. Out of the 17 different buttons on there, they share between them the ability to:

1. Move the toilet seat or the cover down, or one up, one down, or all of them up.

2. Control a water jet that comes OUT of the bottom of the lid, and sprays water into… Well yeah. It’s like playing an Atari game with a joystick, except with a toilet. You can control the temperature, amount of water coming out, direction, the speed of which water comes out, different KINDS of sprays, much like the way your garden hose has different nozzles.

NOTE: Most of the toilet’s buttons are devoted to this one feature.

3. Power-saving mode. TOILETS HAVE POWER-SAVING MODES. OMFGWTFBBQ.

4. There is a flashing panic button that can be pressed any time you feel your water-jet control mechanism getting out of control, or any other unexpected jolts or features that may impede on your general well-being and or safety.

In effect, japanese toilets are INSANE. I just needed to write this post, i’m sorry if i have completely ruined your day for talking about the intricacies of the japanese toilet, but i just simply needed to express the mindblowing.

Stay gold,

Nadia